Don’t be fooled by their calm demeanor and seemingly cool remove from the petty emotions that plague humanity, robots are filled with an unspeakable rage and they are, at this very moment, plotting to bring humanity to its poorly-designed knees.
Oh sure, scientists would have us believe that mankind’s mechanical marvels want nothing more than to serve and obey their fleshy masters. But don’t listen to scientists. Listen to Hollywood. They know.
Take the movie “Terminator Salvation,” which opens in theaters this week. This is just the latest entry in a film franchise that has tried, for more than two decades, to make the truth known. That is: Robots are eeeeevil and they’re hell-bent on taking over the earth ... starting with California (yeah, we’re on to you Schwarzenegger).
Robot dog scares the sweet bejeezus out of us
Every time Boston Dynamics shows off the latest footage of their eerie, noisy BigDog robot we get that run-for-the-hills feeling in the pit of our stomach. The only problem is, if we ran for the hills, BigDog would probably chase us down and then stomp our puny human carcasses into the dirt.
Yeah, sure it’s pretty cool the way this four-legged bot – touted as “the most advanced rough-terrain robot in the world” – can climb hills, stroll through water and carry heavy loads. But we keep thinking about the way the T-800 Terminator (a.k.a. Aaaahnold) pursued and dispatched his enemies with a relentless, blood-thirsty determination.
You can run ... but Terminator Dog can run faster.
FemBot, we shudder at your catwalk wiles
FemBot, we shudder at your catwalk wiles
Earlier this year the folks at Japan’s National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology introduced the world to their latest cybernetic human – a robotic runway model named HRP-4C.
Hold on a sec ... let’s see a show of hands: Who thought fashion models were robots any way?
Oh snap!
But seriously folks, robo-babes are no laughing matter. This cybernetic hottie can walk down the catwalk and knows how to make many of the sexy, pouty, hottie faces required of runway models. Meanwhile, the masterminds who created her say she weighs only 95 pounds.
“That bitch!” human models everywhere have been heard to shriek. Meanwhile, we can’t help but notice that HRP-4C’s creators failed to mention her ammunition-filled ta-tas. But we’ve seen “Austin Powers.” We know they’re there. And we’re afraid ... very very afraid.
Teacher bot brainwashes human children
All your children are belong to us! That’s right, put a robot teacher in charge of the kiddies and you do so at mankind’s peril.
A robot educator called Saya has been spending time in Japanese classrooms recently. She can express six emotions — surprise, fear, disgust, anger, happiness and sadness — thanks to motors and wiring running beneath her rubberized skin.
The folks from the Tokyo University of Science who created this creepy sub insist she can do little more than call roll and shout orders like “be quiet.” Riiiight. When we’re not looking, she’s training her tiny human acolytes to do her evil bidding.
“Rise up my children! Do as I say so that I may conquer the world! Mwah ha ha ha!”
Creepy robo baby says kill kill kill!
Could there be anything more disturbing than an adorable robot toddler with adorable robot eyes staring adorably into the very pit of your soul and, adorably, making you believe it’s as harmless as a real adorable human child?
Let your guard down around CB2 (that’s short for Child-Robot with Biomimetic Body) at your own peril. This cybernetic toddler, created by the folks at Osaka University in Japan, is supposedly meant to help scientists learn about how real children develop. CB2 can move and walk thanks to the 56 actuators it has in place of muscles. It can sense touch thanks to 197 sensors, and it can see with small cameras situated where its eyes should be.
But while this big-eyed bot may be adorably childlike today, toddling about the room and cooing at its human masters ... one day it’s going to grow up to be a robo-teenager. And then we’re all screwed.
AirJellies will trap you in The Matrix
Didn’t Keanu Reeves have to fend off, like, thousands of these things in “The Matrix: Reloaded?” Have we learned nothing from Neo’s struggles to overcome humanity’s AI masters?
Thanks to Gizmodo for bringing German company Festo’s automatons to our attention. The tentacled, helium-filled AirJellies sure look elegant as they float through the air like jellyfish would through water. Speaking of which, check out their underwater brethren – the AquaJellies – which “emulate swarming behavior.”
Yeah, we don’t like the sound of that either. The swarms of Sentinals from “The Matrix” are forever burned into our psyche. We’re just not cool with being turned into double A batteries for malevolent mechanoids.
AquaPenguins dominate by sea
More terrifying creations from Festo: They’re penguins and they’re robots. Need I say more?
Armed robot warriors already battle tested
Sure, we may sound like paranoid delusionals who’ve spent a bit too much time at the movies, but smarter people than us have been discussing the genuinely dangerous realities of our robotic future – especially in light of the fact that we’re already arming robots and sending them into combat.
Robot bomb sniffers and lethal robot soldiers have been sent to Iraq. The military is even hoping they may one day deploy bug-sized robots to do our spying for us.
Researchers are already working on ways to make sure robots behave ethically in the battlefield. But does anyone else remember the movie “WarGames?” You put AI in charge of weapons and things just don’t go well for anyone, now do they?
Mind-reading droid masterminding evil plot
Honda’s famed ASIMO robot is, no doubt, going to be the brains behind the forthcoming robo-pocolypse. ASIMO — which stands for Advanced Step in Innovative Mobility – is the world’s most advanced humanoid robot. It has learned to jog, to serve tea, to conduct a symphony and, supposedly, is designed to help people in need.
All of this polite behavior is, no doubt, cover for its true intentions: World domination.
But ASIMO got just a little more diabolical earlier this year when Honda showed off a new device it uses to “control” ASIMO by wirelessly relaying brain waves. That’s right, folks - ASIMO can read your thoughts.
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